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Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Each day as monotonous as the last And the last before And the last before… ..and before… How can I turn back time? How long will I live knowing? Certainly she is as real as me, with real feelings. For you.. In knowing I began to hope and pray you would not wander away, lost in confusion. I can pretend it no longer hurts, That I am long since over all that was discovered. Though I feel invaded and shaken. I smile for you and wonder, Would you wish it was someone else? The trust left that I have is so small. The confidence I have is worn down. It would be reasonable to assume you would not be so foolish as to leave your comfort here. But I wonder what if, as much and as often as you think it, if not more. It is more than just having you here in body as much as in mind. I want it all, but only time will reveal if you stay. I will spend all of living, breathing life waiting… and hoping. You are mine? Sunday, August 23, 2009
Its a strange feeling waking up alive, Shocked to know your consciousness remains. The morning was so cold, and the smell and heat from the heater made me just as sick as... The world felt so foreign. The way down from the top bunk seemed forever and I remembered the cold on my feet as I stumbled to the bathroom. The snow fell as silent as we were about what had just happened. I don't even remember the drive back. "We've tried to wash our hands of all of this We never talk of our lack in relationships And how we're guilt stricken sobbing With our heads on the floor We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip We'd say I can't be held responsible..." Tuesday, March 24, 2009
When it rained it poured Back so long ago, There came a sweltering 4th of July The clouds trapping in the dying heat. I couldn’t explain my mood then. I had begun to feel confused and disengaged about any of my feelings even at that moment. Sitting by the warm pool. The water tepid and therapeutic, like bathwater. My feet dipped in and just waiting to leave. We were were visiting strangers, friends of friends in this cramped and disheveled apartment complex. Quaintly ghetto. After much complaint from myself, people begrudgingly left to see the fireworks that no one really cared about. The aura of the followers definitely damped the mood as much as the sudden rain did. Regardless, in the air bloomed the fiery flowers symbolizing a nation’s once great accomplishment. And then the argument came. The heat, the stress. The confusion. The fact we stood not a few feet from a place that a once beautiful memory- now gone, that happened so long ago… A garden once lush with roses and past love. All of them now nearly burnt away by the daylight sun. But the scent and sight was still familiar in my mind, almost made my soul ache. The rain did not let up. It had progressed from fat, warm drops of things to come to a full force of typhoon downpours. We found shelter in a place with air conditioning so cold it near froze me to the bone from being so soaked. The shelter itself finally became a realization to me. An epiphany. I was becoming ready. I knew this night would provide for me the answers that were so needed. How did it come to this as we left, and I had tears as hot and heavy as the rain. My feet thundering through pools of water until we reached the truck Crammed tight into the back knee to knee. Hot and tense and bitter. I cried with no sound, and he looked away. And he never looked back. Not a hand or look of comfort. He was in denial and rage. He was in the bliss of ignorance. In that moment I had become nothing. When we arrived, I would lie on the couch in the sweltering home, with everything going numb and dark. I wished then that the heat would fry my brain and take me away. I longed to fly off cool and floating into a light that would encompass me with everything I was missing. Everything he could never offer. And it was over. The next morning the dawn had not yet broken in a grey and cloudy sky. Bleak and sorrowful, as though the sun itself did not wish to arrive. Dark, early and cool. The wind gave me the air I needed and I knew then this was the beginning. Now, so many years later I look at his face and see how his skin is finally gaining the creases from his smile. Even when he talks I can see the wrinkles slowly becoming apparent even in our young age. So much has happened since this time and the man who I had felt hated me, has now become my husband in some odd twist of fate. I have suffered much and many losses to come to this point. He himself succumbed to great suffering and the loss of me for so long. I remember the late night by the pond with the yellow and orange lights of the park casting a sickly halo all around us. I remember the tears and his trembling hand. His whole body trembling in fear and sorrow and regret. I remember the promises he made then. And later the guilt he felt for all the things he had ever done when we had argued. I remember them so clearly and knew even if I gave in then, he would eventually stop being this man who cared so much for me. I was no fool, and not naïve enough to believe that any of this would change forever. I believed it all to be a lie, not a purposeful one, but I knew that given time… This act of care and intense feeling would fade. He would become himself again, and I would be left wondering why I had been so foolish to believe this feeling would last. Naïve enough to believe he would be changed like this for a long time to come. I am angry now because I was foolish and naïve, even if just for a moment. We are here now, and the world has settled into its comfortable and routine nest of life. I am still scarred from that torrid night in July. I am ashamed and afraid to cry in his presence still. Afraid he would just look away and pretend I do not exist. Terrified he might become embittered or indifferent and leave me to myself. After all I should have learned to self soothe myself. Reliance on others is foolish. Seeking solace in others is wrong. As someone once told to me. I need something I cannot name or grasp. I am disappointed, perhaps, For no reason. Sunday, November 09, 2008
A sudden creeping vision from my past edges along the back of my mind. How cold that winter had been. How miserable, covered in fog and wet. Chilling to the bone. A frozen wind eager to numb the skin off all who dared to embrace the world. I was in the kitchen. A spacious, yet dirty and morbid place. I felt my body slowly melt, as the warm indoor air covered me. Out the window I watched the trees ache and bow. Droplets of rain making tears on the glass. I had come in secretly awaiting someone from his return from school. I remember often cooking frozen ravioli. Easy and filling, though I didn't eat much in those times. That day was no exception as I poured the boiling water and its contents into the strainer. The steam rose and blurred the window, removing my view of the outside world. I felt so much sorrow. I will always remember the scent of fake raspberries. The godforsaken scent wafting through the tiny reaches of the dorm housing. A scent that to this day induces the same feeling of sorrow, and waves of pure memories. I remember being curled beneath the bed in a tearful wreck as I felt the force of an earthquake unfold before me. Glasses clinking and the world shaken awake. I remember bottles, and horrific smelling laundry. Glasses, blonde hair, blue eyes. The pounding on the walls. The ice, the snow. Almost every detail still rich and fresh in my mind as it had happened the day before. I feel so sorry the good memories could not stay as permanent as these. Strangely, as the memories come back... I feel a connection between then and today. With time closing in, I am afraid now. Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Once again I am left being unable to articulate my feelings. To even stand up for myself. To say “hey that’s great, you’re going to make your life better- but what about me”. And I feel somehow used. Taken for granted myself, in that I will follow around like a little pup. What else of a choice do I even have? I would be unable to move on. So I have to stay and bear more pain. I don’t get a choice in this matter. Always following. I never get to lead. If I constantly follow you, where does that leave me? Always uprooting myself and my job, and starting all over again. New people and situations, when can I ever settle myself. I gave up everything already twice. How many more times must I give everything up? Three.. Four.. Five.. a dozen more times? Does that seem fair? How fair does it seem to you that I must bargain and compromise so that you still have your own way, and I’m left with nothing? Alone, taking care of all the other small responsibilities you have taken into the house. It seems there is only one person who may be able to see my side, but who knows if that will even help. Where is the us, when it is only you? Saturday, May 24, 2008
This place has long since been forgotten. If there was any heartbeat of hope in those that ever came to this place, It has come to rest. I had visions of vivid and alluring photos postering these empty hallways. I wanted to breathe a spark of life and interest into my haven... But as time would have her way, I had not the need to come to this place for quite some time. A great deal has changed with my absence. I have moved to a place full of boiling sands and heavy heat. Traveled far across the desert... Deep into the southwest, Just a touch away from the beating heart of Mexico. Far away from those few friends. Far away from that terrible place of work. I miss the summer nights of crickets and blackness. Late evenings in that old deathtrap of a truck. A broken handle. Banging boxes filled with supplies of silver and wire and tools. Passing the streetlights of gold and red and green. Soft hiss of sprinklers that sprouted like angry snakes, Perfectly on cue at that late hour. There was nothing like the solidity of that friendship. And now.. Far away. I cannot seem to sleep tonight. My neck feels as though a hand of burning cement is grappling it backwards from my spine. My wrist begins to flare in sharp unpredictable waves of pain. It was not more than an hour ago, I was too foggy to remain awake.. But then this feeling crept over me. Nostalgia. I began to recall the past, very clearly and it has set me on edge. I should rest now, or try to. I have much to look forward to these days. Finally my struggle with my love, has finally settled. Through years of battling and posting and the many year far apart, we've finally found our way together. A cozy nest. Rakka and Mimei are here. Gizmo, has passed on to start her new life again. We have Aden, Lively and sweet, fire-brush kitten. Inari, our little fox dog. Okami, the golden dog prince. Amadeus.. Tail and hatred for me both encrusted with rust. And a lumbering tortoise with an eye for strawberries and hibiscus. A menagerie indeed. This is the moment I had longed for so long. The one I had struggled to gain. Nearly died for. Wasted away for. Lost my mind for. The time it took. Years! Finally, I am relieved it has all come together. In a few years, we can be legally joined. Though mentally, we're almost there. Life isn't without her flaws. Though, sometimes it feels.. What have I missed? Tuesday, June 05, 2007
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