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Saturday, March 01, 2003
It is another day. Yet, I cannot comprehend where the transition between yesterday and today has been. When loss of sleep is prevalent, time stops becoming linear. It simply flows into itself. There is no beginning. There is no end. Time is the eternally spinning wheel in the back of your mind that- if respected, will keep you from going insane. If you do not allow time to slip past you, unbeknownst as in a deep sleep, time will become the ever-present enemy of reality. Time is your checkpoint for sanity. Sleep has been a tease for the three hours I’ve attempted at and struggled for. Sleep has been a switch with faulty wiring, surging power on and off into my brain. Sleep has felt non-existent even though I’ve passed in and out nonstop for all that time. I decided it was time to wake up, and embrace the indefinite time continuum I had fallen victim to. I think I need some caffeine now. When you can’t sleep, time crawls by slower than a dead snail. You can’t remember yesterday. You can hardly remember today. And you can barely think. I had to get out. I let the air cleanse out the stale atmosphere encasing my room. I patched up a few loose ends of bad chi. I painted. Then I got out. Enter Scott. Scott’s the kinda guy who my alter ego would protest profusely about associating with. This is why I feel Scott is a great person. This night, I felt like a fearless five year old. Afraid of no one. I could say nothing wrong. I was free. When you can’t sleep and your eyes are as open as your mind- You rule the world. You cradle your life in the palm of your hand and feel its warm glow. When you are aligned with the Tao, the energetic flow of everything around you- You can go anywhere. When you are the center of the world you so boldly clutch in your hand- You can do anything. All you have to do is pick a road and walk it. My hair flapped softly at my ear like a bird’s wing while I loped across campus. My breath ascending in cool white veils. I exhaled a relieving sigh. I felt as good as ever. I felt as though I had slept for many deep, restful hours. In fact, I had only gotten one hour of sleep within the past... I couldn't remember. I perched in the hollow of a tree and watched the planes overhead. I thought of my husband. I began to kill time by dashing across the campus finding high spots to perch upon and began to remind myself of Ryan. Perching. I wonder if this is innate. The rest of the day became as sketchy as the nightlife in downtown Troy. I was Schroedinger’s cat in a box. I became claustrophobic and unknowing of the world outside the box, while others pondered my existence within. Yet, this was no game. I took a walk to catch my breath, escaping the confines of my box. Things grew hazier. I was seeing insects crawling over the couch as I talked with Ryan on the phone. Now, I was talking to myself. Ryan has become my other personality. Between us... while one sleeps, the other is awake. This is also combined with the waking hours we do spend talking in a communal mindset. One of the few things anchoring my sanity between confusion of my alternate self and true flesh, was Air. That was his nickname. Air. This is not to be negated. He is my friend. And this will be respected. Now the sweat clings close to my nape. And I am in thought. And I still can’t sleep. Friday, February 28, 2003
My heart feels heavier than the Webster’s dictionary. I listen to Ryan’s rhythmic breathings as he has fallen asleep over the phone. This is my hour. This is my time. I feel like a guardian watching over the weary and sleeping. This is my job. It is within this quiet moment my mind wanders and reflects. How deeply I miss my husband. How much I love him still. How much I value my friends. How they stand behind me with strength abound. As once I may have stood for them. Maybe in this moment I feel ...a purpose? Regrettably, nothing lasts forever. Inhaling. Exhaling. Sleeping. As I can only listen and watch. Thursday, February 27, 2003
Three weeks ago, I lost my husband. I slowly touch the waves on the band. The eternal wave carved into it was not connected completelty and had a gap between where the form started and ended. This was because my finger decided to be a stubborn non-conformist as a size 5.5 instead of a normal size 5. It felt warm for the first time this morning. My chest rages. My life was a kind of sad mix of ironic metaphors, if there were such a thing. This isn't something I could easily explain. You just had to be there. Thumbing the wood glue over the joints in my latest art project, I became easily distracted. I think too much. If there were a haven for me, then this place would truly exist. My Firefly Sanctuary. Where do I belong and... where do I start? It hit me tonight. Were all my friends merely reflections of my multiple personalities? Was it all in my head? Who were these people that, in the flesh were seemingly real? Its far too late, and I have much more work to do. "Ryan?" Silence. "Are you okay Ryan?" Silence again. I rolled over and and glanced at my phone. Still in the cradle. I had forgotten we hung up. I began to sweat, my body grew warm. I tossed. I turned. I couldn't sleep. I went to my computer. He was away. Asleep? Was everyone? I let out a dry, low sigh. My roomate was curled up in her bed next to her "gentleman friend". I didn't mind at all. I snuffed the monitor and fell back onto my bed. Time passed as I slept. and slept. |
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