Packed and ready to go.

Could you put your life into a bag?

Memories stuffed in like toiletries.

Eating dirt as kid and getting away with it...
Toothpaste

Spitting out said dirt because it tasted horrible...
Toothbrush

Sleeping in late by accident and missing work...
Comb


Could you stand to pack up your life and leave where you were staying every single day?

By the end, you'd be so tired you would start forgetting things.

Leaving small things behind.
Your wallet.
Your jewelry.
Your life.

Its all by accident usually.

Sooner or later you just stop missing anything entirely.
Sooner or later you don't even need a bag.

Just carry a book of matches to bring to ash all that you leave, and move on.
Rebuild.
Relive.

Burn.

Walk away.

Relive again.

Start over and over and over.
It doesn't end.

Leaning up against a telephone pole,
My head turning lazily toward another flaming building

Another life in smoldering ruin.

I kiss the cigarette goodbye... I hadn't even lit it.

I lost my possessions long ago.
I have nothing more in my hands to carry with me.

I have clothes on my back.

Maybe its all I need.

My survival rate grows slimmer every day.

Someday I won't even have these clothes.

Someday, I'll be forever on my back
Gazing into a place I'll never reach.

Life is just a dream you know
That's never ending

I'm starting over again.
Tomorrow there will be dust.


Over and over and over.

---

 
This is the part where everything comes tumbling after.

When I realize how rash I've been.
How hasty.
How foolish.

Too far too fast, that's my problem.

I'm so desperate for arms to hold me
I'm willing to sacrifice myself on the altar of pain when it doesn't work out.


Sigh.

You too?

I was given a metaphor once.

Imagine a hedgehog.
A cute little ball of prickles and sunshine.

He who only wishes to be close to others.

Whenever he snuggles close to another creature,
he hurts them with his little stiff spines.

The tighter he holds on.. the closer he gets.
The more pain there is.

Until they all run away, and he is in pain.
Of loss.
Of rejection.

And that is where it seemed to end...

But then..as another morning pushes up dew from the ground like beads of sweat.
As the earthen scent of field and forest rises up...

Out crawls another hedgehog.
He isn't alone,

For this is a she.
She has had the same problem.
She is a companion, a confidant...

And all those prickles don't mean a thing
Nothing comes between this.

Not all hope is lost if you can find yourself in another.

---

 
We never grow up.

I never want to, of course.

I wish to be free-spirited and loving.
To be playful... endearing.. airy

But at least I can summon maturity when it is necessary.

There are some people in this world, who may look as though they have spent some years on this planet.
Do not be fooled by this.

These people have not grown up.
These people never will.
They play political games for political gains.

This is not a world of the people, by the people, for the people.
This is a game.


A game.

As long as they are the ones to pay for their high stakes,
I am not concerned.

I will leave the TV off, and try not to think.


Of course, I still can't help but be concerned.

I was hoping Ryan would be safe.
And the place where my late husband resides.

They're not safe either.

Air, Shaun, Anti, Nathan, Jay, Chris...

So many people all over I can't watch and keep safe.

If I could perch on a cloud high enough
and keep an eye on everything...

If only there were something I could do.


***

I've never owned a gun
But I can feel a cold barrel pressed deeply into my temple right now.

I have no reservations of further actions.
I have no fear, and this is dangerous.

A person with no fear, has nothing to lose- and they are dangerous.

Squeeze a little harder, a few seconds longer.

It wouldn't be long before the loud crack.
Heavy thud hitting the floor.

Dead weight.

Empty casing pinging across the floor in laughter.

Is life such a cruel joke?

Would you laugh a little louder to hear my insanity?
Where am I going?
What am I losing?

Have I nothing left now?

So much conflict...

"Everyone is changing
there’s no one left that’s real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel

Cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
You could be my someone
you could be my savior
you know that I'll protect you
from all of the obscene

I wonder what your doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

Can you take it all away...

Can you take it all away..."

-Puddle of Mud
Blurry


***

The torrent of night washes over.
Everything suddenly goes black.

I am consumed in it,
Save for the hallow light of the monitor.

The power has died.

Ryan is gone.
My brother is gone.

Amidst the playful flashlight games between my parents and I in this moment...

I am heartbroken and alone.
Suffocating below the thick ice of the tumultuous surface.

I cannot speak, for as my mouth opens
Cold water rushes in.

Slips into my lungs.

I cannot breathe.

You cannot hear me.

And just when I think I might have eveything...
Might have felt everything...

Where I might have found a place to finally rest in...


You take it all
you take it all away...

---

 
*Note to Self: Next time I go on vacation, I must make much more believable threats in order to get alter-ego to post ON TIME. Punishment for this action shall be interesting. Consequences and repercussions are abound.
-Stay tuned.

---

 
Well, I'm not quite as punctual as Brooke, so unfortunately this will appear as a post from the 19th. Although, I suppose it's not all bad, since I'm late from talking to her. She seems to be doing well, enjoying her time with her grandparents and new coat. (even if it's not exactly what she wanted.. but that will be solved soon enough). She'll be back to her parents' house in the morning some time, and will probably post all of the things she's been writing while away. I'll sink back into the far reaches of her mind, and only come out to talk to her now. She's much more eloquent with her writing anyways, so I'm sure anyone reading this will appreciate it. Until next time..
~Ryan


***

I woke up reborn.

A sleeping phoenix,
Rising from her ashes.

I can't describe the incredible feeling I had when I woke up.

It was warm enlightenment.
Like sunshine.
Like an everlasting embrace.


The morning never seemed so beautiful.

Slipping from my pyre,
I could remember vaguely what my dreams had been about:

Ryan.

I just knew they were.

It almost felt like his comforting presence were there beside me.

I remember spending a dollar on boots.
Worth every penny.

I also acquired a leather jacket.
Someone long ago, had once owned this jacket.

Signs of wear and repair prove it had been well-loved.

What a story this jacket must have.
The places it has been.
The people it has seen.
Situations encountered.

The left sleeve had been tucked and sewed back, from what perhaps might have been a tear from a watch.

The previous owner wasn't a smoker- nor had it been around many smokers in its day.

Leather would have absorbed that permanently.
There was no smell.

The leather was in fine condition.
No tears.
No rips.

There was a hole in one of the pockets and in the lining under one arm,
but nothing that couldn't be fixed.

The leather was supple and well creased.
It had been worn many a time.

How it came to my possession after abandonment, I wish I knew.
I bought it, but that's not what I mean...

Why was it given up?

It looked so precious...

Perhaps the owner before had also been reborn and stepped into a newer life.
Perhaps they no longer required the service of this coat.

Who ever you are, wherever you may be I thank you for passing this piece of your life on, so that I may have it to begin mine.

As the day dwindles downward into night-
I realize Ryan and I had not spoken for a good deal of time.

I start to get lonely.
I feel restrained and helpless.
Unknowing of my future.
So much to be concerned about.
No way to ease my mind.

I know it sounds strange but I feel I am at a certain point of understood harmony with him.

I just need to complete this.

The cold night swallows my flames.
I think I'm dying again.

---

 
Well, let's see here. I suppose I should first appologize for the different style of writing. Brooke is unable to blog, so I've taken over and am doing it for her for now. That's the great thing about alter-ego's, sometimes they get to take over and work for you when you can't. "Had I been going to bed earlier every night? Have I been sleeping later? Have I been Ryan longer and longer?" she seemed to say. Either way, she'll be back in the next couple of days. I may continue to keep control until then.
~Ryan

***



Waking up, was in itself- a bad omen.

I wasn't happy.
I was still having erratic dreams upon wake-up.

Ryan and I had a slightly nearing intensity argument the previous night.
This was my fault.

This half of my mind that was me, was the tormented half.
No, I won't get into details.

though I think we both get strangely... emotional.

I didn't want to fight him.
I might lose him if I do.

No more of that...

If only...

I keep Ryan with me.
In thought.

Obviously.
After all he is my alter-self.
He's always in my mind.

However I wear crow feathers in my hair.
I touch them on occasion with my fingers for further assurance.
They're always there...

...until today.


I lost the feathers.
Symbolism.

Pure and simple.
I'm going to lose him.
His comfort.

Everything about him that's held onto me and held me up for so long.

Maybe I won't be considered crazy anymore.

They want to put me to sleep anyway.
Over what... one tooth?

I think they're crazy.
I think I'm crazy.
I think I don't belong here anymore.


I saw a dead fox on the side of the road.
The fox is my power animal.

I'm going to die, aren't I?

Hell will break loose,
but I will be dead before I see it.
The world is so hopeless you know.

Just have to slide...

---

 
Don't sacrifice the present for possibility of the future.

Don't build the future on the things of the past.

These are the words Ryan has said to me.
That many have said to me,
But none in a way that had struck me as it did coming from him.

I smell like smoke.
No, not from cigarettes.

The firepit outside the house.

Reminiscent of a warmer past.

Forgive me.
I will be unable to ramble tonight.

I'm caught in a sudden, surprising amount of pain.
I should have blogged more earlier.

For the next few days, I will be unable to contact you about the goings on of this small world.

I will try to compose my thoughts on paper, and later transpose it for all to see.

Please be well.

---