The sky was saturated in slate.

Deepening.
Darkening.

This overcast halo relieved my eyes of the once piercing sun.

The air was a warm, moist blanket encircling me as I walked.

My coat flapping at my legs.
The ribbons in my hair threatening to fly away like small birds.

I sat on the sidewalk waiting for the bus.
Adjusting my new and newly scratched glasses.

Sigh.

People must think me odd for wearing them at this time of day.

Of course I don’t much care for their thoughts in such a matter.


I remember arriving home.
Sitting in my chair.

Gazing at the bleak sky.

Growling and swelling.
It was going to rain.

I felt very lonely.

Little lines of water on my window.

The phone rang.
It was Ryan.

Together we spent his lunch hour talking in the park.
I wasn’t there technically, but we could still talk.

He would describe to me the drama of the duck soap opera unfolding at the nearby pond.
It was incredibly humorous.

Tip. Tip. Pat.

More fat droplets nagging the glass of my window.
And he had to go.

I could feel the impending downpour racing through my body.

And then it came.

I slipped on my coat and boots.
Put on my sunglasses.

And headed out.

Its strange how the rain brings out memories.
As though the chattering sound it made when it hit my coat were clear words into my mind.

My lips tightened into a cool frown.
The water beaded up and I licked it away with a soft sigh.

I thought about my late husband...

It’s been so long.
I hadn’t the strength in me to confront his memory for a long time.

Had I gone numb?

I don't feel a thing... and I stopped remembering



Coloring books.


Learning Binary.


Sugar on snow.

Movies.
Walks.
Reading.
Sleeping.


The days are just like moments turned to hours



Knowing him was one of the greatest points in my life.
The most amazing friend I ever had in my life.


He took me away when he left.


Oh how I ached.
Lying somewhere staring at the ceiling.

My arms stretched upward.
Burning tears streaming out.
I could not breathe.

I kept reaching.

Please pick me up!
Come here!

Reaching.

Please don’t leave!

Reaching.

I am strong can’t you see me now?

I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.

Reaching...

Why.


Silence.
And he was gone.



Wish this were a dream, but no, it isn't…




We didn’t get to see the ocean…




Walk…




We didn’t meet again…




In the rain…




Shall I let go?




…I walk in the rain


If you travel in the rain long enough to see the break in the sky
With golden light pouring down…

If you walk long enough…

You may find a rainbow.

…Ryan…

… is it here that I belong?

---

 
It seemed as though I dreamt it.
But I couldn’t be sure.

I said the words to him.
In my sleep?

Had I dreamt I said them aloud?
Had I said them aloud while he was asleep?
Had I said them at all?

I reflected in thought upon what I had potentially revealed.

Did I mean it even though it was sleep-induced?

Yes.
Somewhere inside it is there.

Too shy to come out.


I had lost enough sleep the beginning of the week
I feared it would invariably continue.

I wanted to sleep, but I didn’t believe my mind would leave me at any ease for it.

Enough said, I passed out for a day.
I was sick.

And my mind still hadn’t slept restfully enough.

Even with Ryan there on the phone while I tried to nap…
I couldn’t hit bottom long enough to feel refreshed.

Microsleep.

Its very much like losing all consciousness and voluntary bodily functions for a fraction of a second.

Its like sinking forward with a magnetic weight in your frontal lobe and a push in the back.

Your head goes underwater and come up screaming for air.

It’s very much like narcolepsy.
Only far tamer.

A domestic house cat to a tiger.


The day was too long.

Ryan works too hard.
I feel my chest compress slightly in a sense of anguish.

I miss him.
Even now.
Now.

All the time.

I know I do even when I sleep.

I wonder what shall become of tonight.

I shall await my well-dressed samurai with eager anticipation and a healthy dose of longing.

Then we shall see.

---

 
Sometimes you have to get out of your world, to see the bigger one.

Where things are less important, and there is less burden on your shoulder.
Where the wrappings of your life can flap carelessly in the drowning winds of the many.

Sometimes I forget the world out there and become lost.

Today I can hardly remember living it.
I’ve not felt well…

All I’ve done is fallen asleep and woken up.

The only way I know time has passed
Was by seeing how the sun was angled differently past the bright wall out my window.

Warm afternoon sun.

If only I had the energy to keep up.
I must have lost too much sleep.

I must have lost too much consciousness.

There is no physical balance..
But my mind is feeling stronger.

Still…

Even in the brightest noon light
I am haunted by the spirits of the deceased…

Those dead that I’ve not let go.
That I wish to make peace with…

They still reach out to swipe bitterly at me.
I never meant them harm.

I clasp my hands and whisper in assurance to myself...

He's not alive..
They're not alive...

Mononoke tachi dake…

Mononoke… tachi… dake…

---

 
This is a test of the emergency Blog-cast system. This is only a test.

---

 
The sky had poured itself a glass of sunset champagne.
Fluorescent pink seared the soft purple clouds.

When I stepped out into the warm air, I felt alive again.

I raise a hand to the sky.

Cheers.

Henceforth, I drink up the glowing fuchsia embers of the sunset.

It fills my eyes.
My heart.
My mind.

Last spring I could see sunsets like this every night the weather were kind enough to show me.

I would sit and gaze out across the river.
It was a treasure to me.

I could not only see for miles the flaming skies above, but the water below reflected and enhanced the beauty.

I wish Ryan were here.

Moments ago we had been addictively browsing e-bay
Then he stumbled across this ring…

Oh, it makes me smile still.

I felt better this night, and I owe this feeling mostly to him.

Ah, but if I could break off a piece of the sky and send it to him I would.

I’m sure he would be one to appreciate it.
Spring is so close.

Change is so near.

Soon this world will be oozing life and love.

But can I harness it in time?

---

 
*Note to Self: Set alter ego up with his own account to blog site so that he may have his name following each post where he takes over site temporarily.

---

 
Once again, I've taken over for a bit. I am Brooke's filler blog. Perhaps she'll fix this later tonight or tomorrow.. but I just wanted to get something in here for the 25th before it ended. I'm certainly not very creative when it comes to these things, so this won't be very exciting. What she has to say to replace this will be much more interesting to read, I promise. Until then, sit back, and enjoy the boredom.
~Ryan


***

Insomnia and narcolepsy.
Bonnie and Clyde.

It’s like that.

Two things that may seem ill-matched,
But in fact work hand in hand to rob your mind of sanity and consciousness.

If you don’t sleep enough, you’re going to probably start hallucinating.

Of course I skipped this stage altogether this time around.

I went right into the “Oh wow, every time I hear a high pitched noise or turn my head like so- my body drops all consciousness for a few brief seconds” stage.

Narcolepsy via insomnia.
It’s the wake after the storm.

The day sort of passed in and out.
Like deep breaths.
Like the lapping ocean tide.

Once can’t be very creative in moments of sleep deprival.

I hadn’t been feeling well.

I had just fallen off the edge of a previous day of far, far too much caffeine.

It left a horrible aftertaste in my mouth.

Get a glass.
Fill it up with:

3/4 Water
1/4 Lemonade
1/8 Inch of sugar lining the bottom
Proportional amounts of ice (no so much you have no liquid in there)
Two lemon wedges

This is my recipe for making a drink that isn’t too sweet, or too bland and has refreshing properties on both the stomach and mind.

Of course, feel free to create your own proportions.

Though, everything I seem to drink,
It leaves this aftertaste in my mouth I can’t seem to get rid of.

I become an obsessive-compulsive woman with a toothbrush.

The day progresses and I get worse.

At first I’m fine, but I’m far too alone for my own good.
It was nice talking to Ryan while he ate in the part.

Of course that new job decided to keep him for hours and hours later than probably either of us had expected.

This too, was my fault.

I needed to get him to quit his night job because it was causing me to sleep at too regular a time.

Plus he was being underpaid for his remarkable efforts and service.

Finally, he managed to hook on some other job potential.
It certainly pays better, but it’s a bit… monotonous.


I was worried.

I held the phone, his number halfway dialed… and I hung up because I didn’t want to get him in trouble on his ‘first day’.

30 seconds later we did that mind-connection thing and he called to say he was out.

Finally.

That would be right before I started heading downhill.

I can’t explain what happened after that but the last thing I can remember from the night was being in my bed…

And being woken up by the forceful slamming of drawers by my roommate.


Confused sweating concern.
Tumultuous fear.
Rising sickness.

This is what happens when I pass out into sleep while someone is around me,
And get woken up in some frightening manner.

I hate losing consciousness around people.
I’m afraid they’re trying to get my attention and I can’t hear them.

I’m afraid I might not be able to wake up and help them, and they will leave.

I don’t know if Ryan had been calling my name.
In fact I had no idea what he had been doing all that time I had finally fallen asleep.

He mentioned he had nodded off a bit too, and this eased my mind slightly.

But not enough.

I had frightened him.

Ryan doesn’t ask for much, if he asks for anything at all.
All he asks is that I stay with him.

In presence.
In mind.
In his life.

Sigh

No, that isn’t much to ask at all.

Yet, it involves much effort.
Much more thought on my part.

It’s a very clever and meaningful request.

I’m sure I can stay.

Like I had said to him, its like waiting for a bus neither of us knows will come.
I really need to see him.

I need something big to happen.

Or has it already?

- Posted by Kitsu, 10:22 PM

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