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Saturday, April 05, 2003
Fear smiles as she sews me a new jacket of insanity. I watch the candlelight lick at her face. Each stitch so preciously considered. Methodically placed. Cold. Her arms wrap gently about me. Wraps me up tight in a frenzied delirium. This fits me perfectly. Collar constricting around my throat. I can barely manage to choke out a laugh. This is wonderful. Where will you take me tonight? What have you in store for this body? She kisses my cheek. My side is caving in. Heavy muscle spasms. Go away. My soul is being dredged from the reaches of my center. Heaving it out through my sternum. Stop. Voice… Fatuous weakling. I am empty when I have nothing to hold onto. I am empty when alone. There is no energy here. No body. No warmth. I’m stuck with my mind and memories. Empty. Empty. Empty. Get me out of here. Occupy my mind. Give me reason to continue breathing. Please don't leave anymore... Please... Forgive me. Just stuck hollow and alone And the fault is my own… And the fault is my own. Friday, April 04, 2003
Repercussions linger like lemon juice in a paper cut. I am still tired, But it is fading. Half of me is missing tonight. My phone died this morning. I swear it took me with it. All I wanted was to wake up with Ryan. But it keeps dying. Dying. Rushing off to school with pain in my stomach following. A lost puppy dog following me home. It should be spring this time of year. Days filled with lusty warm winds caressing vibrant grasses. Blue eyed skies gazing into the mirrored waters. Children’s laughter echoing playfully against brick walls and through playgrounds. But it is not. Outside is a frozen world of bitterness. An inch of ice choking out the lifeblood of what would have been the earth’s revival. Every tree bud Every blade of grass… Smothered in chilled water. Freezing temperatures scream profanities at our faces. Beaten red. No one wants to go out. The skies morbid and chaotic. Who would want to go out? I can only sit and wonder when the world will heal. When it will let me heal. When will warmer winds come in to breathe new life for me? Where is my phoenix? My revival? I’m stuck alone. Worrying. Blanketing myself in sad wonder. Will he be okay? How long will he be away? I miss him so much. I wonder if he misses me. Does anyone? Ryan… Exhausted and alone I can only sit back in my chair and dream of spring in my mind’s eye. In my field of paper flowers… This place seems familiar. I’ve been here before with others. Where have you all gone? And candy clouds of lullaby Remembering the stories we wrote. Games we’ve played. It’s all back here. I lie inside myself for hours Ryan, will you come back? And watch my purple sky fly over me… It’s too hard. Too far away to grasp. It’s so hard living this way. So far apart and separated. I need to rest and absorb energy from him I need to circulate this energy between us. I need this balance before I fall apart further. Let me stay… For once, I need this... Thursday, April 03, 2003
Perhaps the next worse thing to being unable to sleep, is being unable to wake up. Sprawled out on my bed. Limbs numb. Chest pulsing, gripping. Throbbing. My heart is racing and grinding up against my sternum. Bang. Bang. Bang. Slipping in and out between bouts of sweating. Bang. Bang. I can’t move my arms… My legs… My head… At the mercy of the world. When I open my eyes its grey and dark and soft. Fuzzy and unclear. My mind has slowed down to a screeching halt. All thought processes have near stopped. Plummeting back into sleep. “Are you there? Are you okay?” Shock up my spine piercing my head. I wake up. “I’m okay…” I can barely muster breath to talk, I’m so tired. Numb. Lips are numb. Dry mouth. Never again. Never again… This was too much. My stomach threatening to form a union and go on strike. Don’t fail. Don’t leave me. Fade in. Fade out. I’m still here, but for how long? Sickness clutching at my throat. Raging out through my ears. Heart still tearing up the track in my body. Bang. Bang. Bang. No more. Never again. I shouldn’t do this, but it never seems to stop. What will keep me here? Please, I want to stay… I need a reason I can believe in. Something to hold onto. Something that will hold back. Help me too. For better… For worse… Even though it may seem worse now… Must help me get past it, help us both out. Lets try and make it better… Sit, We'll take our time Watching the flowers grow Wednesday, April 02, 2003
Shock is not knowing how to react. It stuns quickly and holds dearly. This is my experience. I don't know how to react. Or reflect its touch. Ryan rubbed his feet across the carpet as he neared me. Lifted a hand. Zap. It didn’t hurt. In fact this was just a metaphorical stand in for the words he continues to say. For the words he’s said today. For the words I appreciate with such a passion. All this time I had been wrapped in a blanket, Tightly secure because of him. I was in a warm layer of happiness, just knowing- And believing... That he cared. If that was all I heard from him, for the rest of my life... I would be content forever. There was no need for him to tell me words any deeper or more precious. But they came anyway. Ryan is different. I’m not sure what makes him so believable, so understandable in this stage... But it’s probably due to the fact he is I, and I- him. Strange as I’ve tried to claim this before with others, but it never quite stuck. This time around, He feels it the strongest. Someone else, even stronger than I? Oh its strange... We’re both so much alike we could stand in for each other. Ah, but for all this happiness… Someone is suffering. Somewhere... Now should I come down? Tuesday, April 01, 2003
My past memories start to fade to a mere blip on a radar screen. The sound becomes further and further separated from itself in the rate of succession. Lonely, whimpering cries. Forgetting. Regretting. I hadn’t been around him enough to create solid memories. We were split too far apart. I barely had the time to clutch to any memory. At least I wasn’t heavily scarred, if at all. Only regretful. Disappointed in myself. Life does not readily administer second chances. I had it all promised to me. I had it all taken away soon enough. So soon. Barely had life been given to these thoughts I regarded with such maternal intensity. I held them close. How could anyone take them away? Future, where have you gone? P.S. I apologize for the messing up of this blog as of late. I seem to be getting rather tired towards the end of the day when I actually have time, but am too tired to post up. I'll try to be more careful and reliable. This time I didn’t dream it. And this time it hadn’t been me that said it. In the middle of the early morning In mid-toss and turn, I heard his voice. The words came out from him, like they had from me The only difference- I was awake. He fell back asleep before I could say anything. It wasn’t until later that morning While he was still caught in the stills and resonating affects of sleep, that it grew more real. I found out. I’ve been whispering to him for weeks while he slept. I talked about my doubts. My insecurities. My inner life. Babbling again. All that time I’ve been melting away at his subconscious I suppose. I’m not sure I can imagine sleeping for long without him there. Without the voice. Without the breathing, which would leave my mind secure in knowing he’s: a)Safe b)Sleeping I seem to get more restful sleep when he’s around now as well. I get fewer restless dreams of uncertain content. In the beginning I had difficulties juggling phone and consciousness. I had trouble sleeping. I was afraid of missing something important. I was trying to balance my sleep pattern closer to his. I can hit the bottom of sleep when my mind is at ease knowing he’ll be okay. Our patterns have meshed fairly well. I think its about that time now. Konbanwa. Good evening and Good night. Sunday, March 30, 2003
In the corner there is a dark shadow still clinging. To me. To my mind. He will not let go. Chris. There is no way to confront this past. There is no way to alleviate it. I’ve tried forgetting. Tried avoiding. Confrontation is worse. Chris. Will you stop? What are you trying to accomplish here? What are you gaining yourself by slaughtering my memory? Times were so strained. For us both. Let it slide… My intentions were not to kill. Things were terrible. Things were horrible. They were as they were. You’re out of that trap. You’re free. Do you not realize you’re free? Why are you clinging to that pain… why can’t you forgive it, especially yourself. No one understands me. No one understands why I feel this way. Why I cannot hate you. Why I cannot be bitter. I’m better than that. I’m better than you and these feelings you have like that. I’m better for having gone through it. I’m not without my heavy scars. I do not escape fire unscathed. I am not without consequences and repercussions resonating through my life still. Burning still. Flames still crisp and blazing. Do you think me human still? Do I burn as though I am human? Do I burn with feelings or do I stare blankly refusing to scream at pain? Tucking my knees below my chin. Bittersweet. Last night before I retired I caught a glimpse of… He’s not truly dead is he? My late husband… He’s not all gone. Perhaps I’m dreaming this. He’s right there. Not my husband now. I can still move on now, and I will try… I have something else. The puzzle nears completion… Maybe. |
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