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Saturday, April 12, 2003
I popped two Tums in my mouth and chewed them as I made my way out. I tuck my sunglasses into the front of my shirt. Flip up my collar- I’m ready for the night. As I swallowed the medicine in slight embarrassment, I figured if I was going to be forced into drinking soda I should at least be more cautious this time. I’m sure Ryan would be proud too. The sun has set and there is a slightly cool blanket settling down on the city. The nightlife consisted of random city dwellers hanging out at the nearest 24 hour convenience store. I was heading elsewhere. I had been having this craving for some time now. Ryan had already left for work. I needed to clear my head again anyway. I keep my eyes to the ground. I sense the world moving around me with what little my ears can pick up, And by pulling on threads of energy each thing emits. I know how people will move. How they will react. I hit a corner and felt slightly constricted as my attention strayed a second, Letting my world observation slip. I thought someone was about to grab my arm. The shadow shifted. Luckily, I had been turning the corner and had an excuse to look to my side. Only to determine there was no present threat of such. Almost there. There weren’t many people inside. This was my favorite place to eat, If ever I had the money to go out and get food. I ordered one slice of pizza topped with mushroom. The man behind the counter slid it in the oven to heat it up. I ordered a drink. Cherry Coke. What could be better? This place brings back memories. That it does. In this spot that I stand, a year ago- My husband stood. While his father ordered a Hawaiian pizza. Was it 2 liters of orange soda too? We stood here. I know I probably smiled. He had conned his way out here to visit. Those were strange times. Those few days were good times. This was a good memory. I picked up my soda- Sipping it reminiscently. The pizza was not long in pursuit. I sat down at a table, facing the door. My back felt uncomfortably open still. I had to sit sideways. One of the workers came out and smiled at me Stepping out a moment. He called another employee in. As he walked back he asked me if I needed napkins. What a nice gentleman. “No, thank you.” I can only smile back. It was thoughtful. Today has been a change of rhythm. I believe it is the coming spring. The change in weather. Constant beat of music in my heart. Revealing breezes through my window. Comforting thoughts. Things will come soon. The war has come to a momentary standstill. The samurai is granted a brief leave to return home to his wife. Her house has been modest and cold. Devoid of the warmth of his company. As she waits for his return at the crest of the hill, She can see the grasses greening… She mouths over the words she will say when she sees him again. Clutching his letter in her hand. Mild, thoughtful smile on her face… He will bring the spring. When he arrives she will whisper: ”Haru ga kita.” Spring has come. Friday, April 11, 2003
The world is still encased in a grey box. Chilly, wet… Tease. I awoke feeling the lead weights of sleep deprivation. My hair a knotted mess. Aching. Aching for rest. I would have to leave him soon. My fingers fly as they wrap the ribbons tightly around my hair. I don’t have much time. I will share my day. I will do what I can to keep the thought of him present. Doing this will make me happy. At least relieve the pains of longing. By the time I got home the world had passed too quickly. I blame it on the fact micro sleeping causes a blur in the fabric of time and space- Playing with your mind. Things are not what they seem. Exhaustion swells up enough to drown you out in the mere thought. My eyes were dry. Staring at the ceiling. Watching the TV pass out colored light that kept my interest. I can’t seem to close them I can’t sleep. I mustn’t sleep now.. The voice of Ryan whispers to me… “Just close your eyes…” Drop a penny in my thoughts. Mental jukebox stirred. Song playing in my head… Through this world I've stumbled so many times betrayed, Trying to find an honest word to find the truth enslaved… I can’t, I can’t sleep… “Shh…” Oh you speak to me in riddles and you speak to me in rhymes, My body aches to breathe your breath your words keep me alive… Too much. Too much running through my head. I can’t sleep… And I would be the one to hold you down Kiss you so hard I'll take your breath away and after I'd wipe away the tears… “Just close your eyes dear.” And I’m asleep. Thursday, April 10, 2003
This day I could have slept peacefully. Luck has a habit of lacking in my life. It would not be peaceful. In this world we can be around thousands of people and still feel so parted and alone. We can be around just a few people and feel constricted. I was constricted. I had much work to do. And yet could do none. I could only escape in the embrace of water. A place I feel I can exist. Warm, relieving. Continuously maternal. I didn’t mean for it to come to this. I had hit a snag. Oh how can life feel so desperately beyond reparation, And all he has to do is think for me when I can’t- and convince me of everything. Patience. Persistence. Firm, gentle tone. It all becomes better. How. How can you do it so well? It seems as though this path is littered with many stones. But, as long as perseverance is present… These stones need not be fretted about. And if anything, They’re pretty fun to use for skipping over water. Wednesday, April 09, 2003
Of all the irony Why must belief have ‘lie’ within it? Trust no one. Sounds like paranoia to me. I am paranoid, perhaps, even to a fault. I was told: “The world is not black and white, If you opened your eyes you would notice there are shades of grey.” Indeed. Blind man preaching the deaf. Unravel me Untie this chord I want to believe. If I give in, will I never hear the words again? If I succumb to the words Will they disappear thereafter? Will they become lies later… stagnant and bitter? The very center of our union Is caving in I can't endure Will they flutter meaninglessly- dropped into the wind once they have been accepted? How can you repair anything now? How can I not believe? How can I go on? I am the archive of our failure Over and over… I need to be there forever. Where I never have to leave. Where you never have to go. Where I will have something to return to, To wait for… I want to start now. Before it becomes too late for anything… And all I feel is black and white And I'm wound up small and tight And I don't know who I am Tuesday, April 08, 2003
It’s been one of those long days you can’t quite remember how it began, And are unsure how it will end. Perhaps I’ve slept too much. I know I barely glimpsed the sleeping darkness my own closed eyes created for me last night. Again with the caffeine. I just wanted to stay awake and wait for Ryan to get back home. I talked far too much into the morning. And had to be awake far too early. It’s been a very mixed day. I’m not even sure where it all went. Consumed by random naps. It’s so hard when I lie down to nap. Curled up against my body pillow. Mafia pillows Air calls them. Like body bags the mafia might use. I nap knowing I’m just napping, But my dreams cause me to forget everything. I woke up thinking I had slept through the night again. Wake up. Fall back. He comes. He goes. In. Out. My Stomach doesn’t ride with this motion very well. My mind can’t decide what it wants to make of all this either. Maybe I just need to rest more. I just have a feeling, It isn’t going to go away overnight… Monday, April 07, 2003
Time can heal. Time can rend. There is a time for everything. I may not be well. I may be desperate for comfort and belonging. I might be able to survive. On an isolated beach I stand. The tide tickling my heels with each heaving push of water. As the ocean inhales, it sucks in the sand. I sink into it. I become dizzy as though I am being pulled in. Mesmerized. Flow like water. If I am alone here, what keeps me standing? I will sit down here and let the tide curl in around me. Cold. Rising. I’ll wait here forever, frozen and unable to move from this spot as the sand sucks me further down into entrapment. I can only wait until the time comes when he will help me out. It’s been so chaotic. Time will come. Time will go. Time can’t take me away. Just myself. Time is just the allowance that’s needed to accomplish anything. Time, foolish time. As much as I need to steal a few minutes just to touch… Just to… Sigh I have all the time in the world And no one here… Here… To share it with. Healing takes all too long… If ever it comes. Sunday, April 06, 2003
You float like a feather, in a beautiful world When I was a child, I believed the world was a giant fishbowl. That reality was a stage. That people in here were characters in a play. That I was the only audience. I could only see through my eyes and no one else’s I didn’t believe these other people really existed. I didn’t know if these people truly felt pain… Sadness… Joy… I was just me- with no grasp into the ‘lives’ of other people. I wish I was special… This is the Philosophy world. You can doubt all- except that you exist as a doubting being. I doubt these feelings exist anymore. That anything now exists. You're so very special. I believe I’ve gone crazy again… That I’m imagining things. Dreaming again. I haven’t woken up. Maybe I can’t wake up… But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo… What is going on? What the hell am I doing here? Its not supposed to come to this… I don't belong here. Here I go… Insecurity. Insanity. Disbelief. She's running out again, She's running. I doubt therefore… I am… doomed. Run. |
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