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Friday, April 25, 2003
I used to sweep the steps and floor of the dojo daily. Washing used to make my hands ache, But it was always a welcome relief when it came to cooking meals. Scrubbing the floors was my least favorite chore, but I loved the way it made the old wood glow when it was clean. I would study dust and scuffmarks to see where people had previously moved about. It was always very cool here. Who and where am I? Probably delirious. I get to thinking sometimes about whether or not past lives are real. I get strange energetic feelings about certain things. Why do people collect distasteful and tacky figurines from those expensive stores at the mall? What draws them so? Why does my taste of oriental fascination continue to develop so strongly? No, the above isn’t a real vision of my past life at all. At least… I don’t believe so. I can say though, That I have the uncanny sense of delight when it comes to sweeping floors. It is something I’ve enjoyed since I was a very small child. But why? I’m fascinated by water. Heated water especially. Steam. Soup. Sweeping. Somehow I’m magnetically drawn to the oddest things. Sigh I can barely hear. Again. What is wrong with me? I feel so …unright. I can’t say I’m sick. I don’t get ‘sick’ per se. I just get knocked around while being under the weather. I just need to shake this cough and pray my ears don’t incinerate in the middle of the night. I was too tired to get dressed to leave my room for a quick, refreshingly cool walk. I decided to stay in and eat oatmeal instead. I’m not sure if that will help at all. The pressure keeps building inside my head. I feel like I’m in a plane. My ears won’t pressurize correctly. Like being sucked into a turbine. Ding This is the captain speaking, On behalf of Inconvenient Ear Problem Airlines. We’d like to welcome you aboard. Please enjoy your flight. Thursday, April 24, 2003
Paranoia hung on a ledge behind me like a sniper. I could feel the sight on my head. Inhaling sharply. Walking onward. It would never pull the trigger. I could feel a thick cloud of sickness crawl into my ear. Temperature rising. Sweat. My head was stuffed with cotton. Music blaring. I came home near deaf. As I came down the hill, my legs threatened to give out. I could picture myself tumbling forward. My chin slamming on the pavement. I wasn’t lucky enough. There wasn’t even enough traffic around to play dodgecar tonight. Horribly insecure and sick and alone. Ignored. Avoided. I hesitated in the center of the road. How I wanted to lie down and sleep here. Let things come as they may. Embrace the road. Become one and forget all else. Legs shaking again. So why do I keep walking? There won’t be anything left. Wednesday, April 23, 2003
I’m sure if Ebbles ever saw this blog, He might have a fit. He wouldn’t like to see me like this... Talking all sorts of depressing nonsense. Of course without this blog- I would have had no outlet for my thoughts. Without the courageous and patient support of who had once been a distance stranger- I would not be here at all. Without the help of everyone else who was around- I would not be sane. I suppose it is wrong of me to claim someone dead, who in a more definitive sense- Is not. I wonder what sort of a mess I’ve gotten my hands into this time. Its wonderful being able to speak with Ebbles again. Since I’ve changed considerably after the departure of someone I cared about early on in the year. I have learned. I don’t want to lose what I have now. I haven’t had much time to get close to any old friends. My life is transforming rapidly. Being able to hold a serious, well for the most part, conversation- Even a nice philosophical one… Is a relief to me. So much is going on… It’s coming together so fast. But can I sort it out in time? Tuesday, April 22, 2003
I feel so low now I should be crawling. I often wonder how many more lives I will have to plow through before I am given permission to leave. To stop the chaos. What kind of morbid punishment is this? If not punishment, what twisted mind placed this stifling veil upon me? My legs shudder with every step, Threatening to lose strength. I don’t know where I am going. My mind is mumbling incoherently 100 miles an hour. I keep telling myself to stop pretending I’m sick. It’s all in my head. This doesn’t exist. No fever. No pain. It’s not real. Its just another curveball let lose. I learned today… Even bitterness cannot exist as a saturated and solitary feeling. People have hearts, even when others do not believe in them. People make mistakes, even when others do not see or forgive them. Somehow, something stirred inside my chest when I saw that he had taken down that mountain of explosive feelings and thoughts. He didn’t take back what he said, or felt. That was what was true to him… I understand this. Yet, the action proves I am right in my arguments. People insist he’s some cold haunting memory of mine And I insist he isn’t as terrible as I have been making him out to be. Haunting... perhaps. But not completely cold. Even ice can melt and reform. How can I see such lofty visions from my cataclysmic depths? Like Ophelia lying beneath the surface of the water, Face up. Staring into blue crystalline skies. Trapped and dead below the surface, Yearning for something I could never quite achieve. What horrible events have I caused by treading too long upon this earth? I often think I should have died that night years back. It feels like an eternity now… This life feels like a poking, relentless eternity. I’ve torn the worlds of many apart. I’ve caused numerous and deep mental wounds on some of the brightest souls in this world. Here I have forever tarnished them. Doomed to rust. What stings the worst is how fast I’ve slipped forward. I am a swordsman. Quicker than one’s eye. Striking forward. Then there is the still moment in which we wait for the fall of the victim. How many have fallen at my feet. How much blood have I let out. I was never the victim. I have moved past just bruising mentality. I’ve moved forward and thrust the point straight through the heart of reality. Causing twice the suffering. Indeed I am not as physically ill as I am spiritually. I am a murderer. Monday, April 21, 2003
Begging for death, he still refused to behead me with my T-Square. ‘You’re not worth me going to Jail for.’ Burning. Stinging. Dry. Must... itch. Oh how horrible it is to suffer in the throes of beautiful spring. I tried to show him the proper way to kill someone with a sword. I’m not sure he was listening. Probably not. He wasn’t out for my blood. Such a pity. Deep within the canals of my ear, A burning tickle raged on. Sneezing. Damn this body. I’m dry and almost unable to see. I gave myself until Wednesday before I go blind. Why would no one honor my pleas of snuffing out my suffering? It would only grow worse. I wish I were worth something to someone right now. Someone willing to do as I ask. Someone to do me the honor of meeting my requests. My body spilling tears, And I- already too dry to spare much more. Lying down I feel like my body might crack in half. Head feels like a ball of burning lead. Searing the cotton of my pillow. There is no relief tonight. Where is tomorrow? Sunday, April 20, 2003
I was plunged into the reality of a late morning. The sun was thick. Slamming through the glass of my window. Pouring far too much light for comfort inside. My roommate, Taking care not to be quiet Dropped everything within a 15 foot radius of herself she could pick up. Getting ready for Church. I dislike Sundays. I dislike Easter Sundays even more. Ryan isn’t here. I couldn’t wake up to hear him. He was at home. Getting ready for Church. So why do I feel awkward lying here. After fumbling with her keys for what seemed like an eternity. My roommate finally left. I couldn’t stay here. The sunlight stung. I got dressed and went out. The sunlight still felt heavy. My stomach was sour and uneasy. I was afraid. Easter always made me uneasy. I am afraid of religion more than people will ever guess. I don’t like to talk about it. Three years ago was the day I learned to drive. My mother took me to an empty parking lot at the mall. At some ungodly hour of the morning. Oh I was afraid. However, in my mind I celebrate. 3 years ago, I met many of the people I know today. Today went far too fast. I hadn’t enough time to think. Even my body isn’t feeling well… So for now… Let's say goodbye, Adieu. |
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