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Thursday, May 15, 2003
I tossed my toothpick into the wind. The last thing my fingers felt was the moist, overly chewed end as it flew. I gave a full moon a bitter stare. This was my last night to see Scott. It was a nice drive down to Albany in the warm sun. I quietly hoped Ryan and I could have drives like these sometime. Sometime soon. I didn’t want to be so far away. But this would be my last time to see Scott. As we stepped out of the car, And started walking to the mall I noted the nice weather. Always bringing up the weather. Great conversational topic. We didn’t talk about much, We exchanged veteran experiences of previous loves. This past weekend he had pulled one of those tragedies I have yet to come up with a name for. The story goes: Boy meets girl online. Boy spends all his money that he really can’t afford to spend to meet said girl in another state. Girl crushes boy’s hope for anything. Boy returns with empty pockets and heart. Yeah, he just got back from Illinois. Ryan has had similar trouble. I’d say so far 99% of the time it’s been the girl’s fault. The other 1%? I blame that on Q. I am determined not to be the stereotype. I’ve done this before. I won’t loose this time. A grey cloud nibbles at the base of the moon and I turn the corner. I’m back home. Ryan is home. And so begins the countdown. Monday, May 12, 2003
What have I been getting myself into? Warmer days and more free time have only entrapped me in boredom. Half of my possessions were moved out this past Saturday. I am left with essentials, something to take the edge of boredom, and three loads of dirty laundry. I have legs, but nowhere to go. Again… Why do I continue getting into such messes? Confused? I don’t mean to argue with Ryan. I don’t want him to leave. And yet what examples do I set by wanting to leave? And even trying to? Today the storms swelled like ocean tides. Ryan and I on the phone. Talking… A new storm came. Dumping upon the earth a lake of water. With every word, With every emanating emotion the storm seemed to mimic me. And the words I spoke. Lightning traced the sky. “…and Jay.” The thunder slammed into the air. The rain came roaring down on the copper roof. Time is like this. Relentless and sudden. Coming and going. Slow and Long. And it doesn’t take long for things to come together. I do not care for these unwanted memories. How much I’ve done my part to let go. Yet it doesn’t seem they wish to let go of me. I can only hope to rid them from my skin by letting someone else carry them away… Speaking of time, it has come for me today. I’ve grown older, As the aging process must allow. I wish I could have shared this time in the physical closeness of a special person. Every year it’s different… Sigh But this year was still special. He sang to me on the phone. He gave me roses… I just wish I could share. Everything. Candles. Cake. And Roses. They fill my room as a reminder. Someday, I will get to share. This rose is our destiny. michibikare futari wa ima mou ichido deau Leading us, To now meet once again. |
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