A thin crescent of an orange peel dangles in the sky.
This is the moon.

The sky shatters and bursts with sound.

A shower curtain of lights explode somewhere beyond the trees.

A twinkle of red.
A glimpse.

But not this year.

I stand outside trying desperately to grow taller beyond my rooted boundaries.
I want to see these lights.

I am drawn.
Some inner connection, some part of my being desires this.

Fireworks come so rarely.

My heart lingers in what memories I can muster.

Oh I wish to never forget.

As I stare up at the murky stars,
I catch a yellow-green signal.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

A lone firefly tries desperately to find another.
And there are none.

I wonder where he will go.

The season too late.
Many already dead.

If he had a heart I am sure it would ache madly.

My favorite night in all the year.
And I am aching.

The scent of juniper soaks the air, as I get closer to the crest of the hill.
I hear the sounds, and again see nothing.

My search too, becomes futile.

I wish you were here.

I need your guidance.

I struggle.
We struggle.

When can we rest?

Please, come rest.

---

 
I stand gazing into a faded sky.

When this crescent becomes full again
And begins to wane,

I will be with Ryan again.

For the final time.

I will never have to leave again.
He will keep me forever.

By love and force and whatever willpower strikes him.

I wonder often what would have happened,
Had I stayed with my previous course of life.

Had I not been left alone.

Had I not been caught…

I see things even worse.
I would not be out of here soon enough to be happy.

Life has strange ways of making us think.

It is more than coincidence.
And less harsh than fate.

Things occur for a reason, be they divine or of our own making.
Or both.

This night I am not greeted by him.
I am unsure if I will even hear from him.

I am so eager to see his smile.
To feel that aura of warmth.

And to feel secure with his comfort.

I am not sure how much longer I must wait.

But it eats at me continuously like a disease.
Gnawing off small bits of my memory and soul.

It all seems too long.

It is too long.

---

 
We're both still here, struggling to find out where exactly here is. Just know that I'm with you, and we can get through anything together. You're very real to me, more so than anything I've experienced before. Take comfort in that, and believe that love will be there to remind you.

---

 
Confusion stops everything.

Much like death stops life.

It’s about as encompassing.
Perhaps not as permanent.

I am confused.

Therefore I am dead.

Indifferent.
I feel nothing.

My body is cracked into pieces.

Two people have claimed my soul.

One still screams for my blood.
One still lusts bitterly for the taste of my pain.

He thinks I feel none.

Perhaps he is right.

I feel nothing.

I feel my fingers pressing against plastic keys to loosen up the thoughts clogging my mind.
I feel tightness in my chest.

Residue in my mouth.

Aching back.

Hair on my face, catching in tears.

Come lay beside me.

Coming.
Going.

This won’t hurt, I swear

Soft fist greeting pavement.

My heart lurches.

Nothing can compare to his confusion.

She loves me not
She loves me still

Wouldn’t you be confused too.

But this is who I am.

This is what I have been made.
This is where I have ended up.

But she’ll never love again.

I can’t forget what happened to me.

I can’t step forward.
I dare not look back.

What do you think.

If I leave you.

Yeah, she'll be there when I'm gone.
Dead sure she'll be there.

If I couldn’t stand…

Anymore…

What I've felt,
What I've known

Turn the pages,
Turn to stone.

Ryan I don’t know if I’m real anymore.

Behind the door.
Should I open it for you?

I don’t trust myself to love you.

Shot hard once.

I’m paralyzed for life.


What I've felt,
What I've known.
Sick and tired,
I stand alone.

Ryan?

Could you be there?

What’s happening…

Where did I go?

---