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Friday, August 22, 2003
Up and down. It describes more than just the sleep these days. I fear the things that are taking place. I fear I may not be able to stay here, Even if I wish to. With school finally completed… They’re going to hunt me blood and soul, For every penny I own. I gave up my home, family and job to start this new life. How I wish to go back to school. But I can’t afford that ever. However... There are a few rare, enjoyable moments here. Such as, for last night. I was in good company, As well as in good hands. It well made up for the heat of the hours previous to it. I’m exhausted and alone again. I look forward to some rest later when my samurai returns. And if I am unable to sleep for a little while now as I have been instructed to… I’m going after the cat. Tuesday, August 19, 2003
In this world, There are many things I will never understand. There are things I must accept as being. Otherwise we will clash for a lifetime. I feel now as though the world has raped me of everything meaningful. My strong beliefs. I fought my beliefs to make amends. I felt as though I could share even the things that meant such a great deal to me. I felt it. I gave into it. Now it seems I have been such a fool. I put aside the very fiber and nature I trusted in, For the sake of feelings. For the sake of love I had once believed in. I believed in love. I believed in union and peace. I believed in harmony. In balance. Structure. Grace. Solidity. Eternity. But this belief… Sharing, loving, trusting… Becoming one into a place of harmony… Was shattered long ago. Before I had met Ryan. I am grateful now someone cares so much about me. That he bothered to pull a dead body from the trash and breathe life into it. I owe him much. I owe him my life. I mustn’t sit in regret or mourning of that I have lost, Nor should I seek to achieve the things I once sought for. These things are gone forever. Lost in the wake of time. Lost with my heart and belief. We’ve slowly been trying to rebuild what was left of me. Efforts seem so lost now. I’m am drowned and dismissed in a wave of superstition, In a wave of belief. I could never change such a thing. The energy that fills a person’s heart and beliefs cannot be changed until once broken. Like me. I was a fool, All this time. To let the world come close. So close before I died. And I will remain here. As faithfully as I can. Because I am, and should be grateful, That anyone would even dare touch me again. Monday, August 18, 2003
I am… Exhausted. I wish my body would awaken. It was a long weekend close to the ocean. The breath of the ocean still stuck to my skin and memory. I still dream of last night. When my eyes close. The moon was a gnawed peel of blood orange. A single petal of some vivid, fragrant flower caught in the sky. Prowling low along the horizon. I know I passed out then. When my head nodded out to pass planes, I resisted. My eyes opened. The moon was into the mid sky by then. Clad in her traditional silver. There were so many stars out. I don’t remember much from last night. I can hardly remember waking up. Such little sleep these past few days. I am not awake yet. Gravity and sleep calls with a gentle tug. I just need to resist a little more. So that I might slip back into the rhythm of the world. So I hope. |
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