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Friday, August 29, 2003
Solace over solitude. Each person has their preference. At times a rest from the world feels necessary, But generally, I end up regretting such retreats. Last night I had some time to myself. It was difficult sitting here. Cold. Air conditioner, loud and causing more cold. The cat staring. Too much electricity close to me. I left the apartment to take some time in the element I feel most comfortable with. The water. It was a bit chilly, and even the air wasn’t as warm as it is usually at night. The sunset was explosive, As they usually are out here. But the sunset had long passed by the time I crept outside. In its place was a mass of clouds littered with fingers of lightning. Some of which I could see from the pool. There are no lights in the pool and it makes it easy to see the sky. Lying on my back I could see stars coming out. Mars was here. Bright. Immense. Red. Chaos causing. Lightning glowed amongst the sky. And this moment felt mildly relieving. Until… I should have shut the gate more securely closed. The only reason I had left it slightly ajar was so I didn’t get stuck like last time. The key doesn’t seem to work. Two small children came in and there was disruption. There was no adult. I tried what I could to protest their arrival. It wasn’t safe. It was dark and they were so little. I hurried back inside to call someone to take care of the problem for me. But there was no one available. Thus, It was up to me to be responsible for my error. I watched them until they left, And shut the gate securely behind me. For the sake of the smaller ones, I will not do that again. Another learning experience to tally on the board. Wednesday, August 27, 2003
I watched as the dark apartment faded into bright grey. The windows grew lighter. Morning came. On top of extreme warmth in this room, I get images in my mind. I am concerned. There is a need to think ahead to prepare food, Or figure out whom to call. Wondering where my paycheck has disappeared to. Wondering when I will snag a job before I’m run underground. Wondering how I can keep us fed with no income from me. I have been up for some time now, With only a few lost minutes to unconsciousness. From the bed to the couch to the bed to the bathroom to the couch. A confused cycle. And Ryan needs to sleep. But I cannot, and I feel lonely. He’s done his best to stay with me. I then helped him back to bed to sleep more, And lay next to him. The cat came over and curled up on my chest momentarily. Too paranoid of the flapping curtains to stay for long. But for a moment while Ryan slept, It seemed we both had insomnia together. I had to let Ryan go too quickly this morning. The sky looking apprehensive and unsure of itself. It doesn’t seem to know what to do. Some tropical depression. Cool air. Wet pavement. How unusual for this climate. As uncertain as the sky looks, So is the day that is about to unfold. Monday, August 25, 2003
I must still be asleep somewhere. This weekend was a passing dream. Wonderful. Unbelievable. I just don’t understand where the darkness arises. Deep, slow heavy breaths. It’s the only thing that keeps it down. It holds the pressure in place. It keeps the tears from forming. It keeps me calm. I feel so confused. Somehow I feel attacked. Pinpointed. Targeted. And I just don’t understand. Things get so cold. And the stare just freezes over my mind every time I see it. The world appears to claim victory over me via logic, But it is only applicable to those who the logic applies to. My feelings are unique, Unlike anyone else. Different things spur different feelings or thoughts. In this I am very different. Especially from Ryan… And it hurts so much. I often feel targeted and accused for the way I feel and I don’t understand it. There is no sympathy or thought into how I feel. I often feel sharp pains of anger and apathy toward me. Why jab. Why stare. Why hurt. Why accuse. I don’t understand. Life has become a bitter irony in this moment. I don’t understand and yet wish somehow, Something would understand me. Hypocritical irony. And it hurts so badly. |
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