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Friday, July 09, 2004
Lying in an empty bathtub, I was talking to no one in particular. Rakka and Mimei had peeked over the edge a few times, but that was several minutes ago. I was talking to Rakka, mostly. I’m not even sure of the things I said. I had figured she was no longer there. I had a warm strip of cloudy fever burning into my forehead. When I finally sat up, there was Rakka, waiting for me. Sitting there patiently. I crawled into bed, and have been there since, until recently. The warmth in my head is not gone. And this time my back sends up dull aches. I keep having dreams, mostly with Ryan in them. I am unsure if they mean anything or if its merely because he’s on my mind. He’s been gone since Monday. Spending a week in Yuma, housesitting. It’s the longest he’s been absent in over a year since I’ve met him. I know I miss him. Though things have changed, Nothing has seemed to advance. And the future that I have often dreamt about seems non-existent. Guess I am too young to be thinking these things. But after so much time, my sensibility crumbles. So if I’ve no future… what will I do? The same thing most people who see nothing in their future do… Thursday, July 08, 2004
At this point in time, I’m not sure why I still think about it. But I can remember quite clearly the night Hal died. Hal wasn’t his real name I believe… That is a detail I cannot recall, but perhaps it’s not necessary. However, it doesn’t make the time any less tragic. I never met Hal in person, but we had talked on the phone just once. I liked his laugh, I think he swore a lot too. Hal was a big guy and I don’t think he minded one bit. He was happy, exuberant… and positive. A very positive feed for my weakening mind at the time. I met him through my first friend I made out here in Phoenix. Christopher Hunt. Chris demanded I speak with Hal, and that’s how the phone call came into being. Hal picked me up, when things grew muddled and grey. Nothing could bring Hal down either. That’s what Chris said. He was a great guy. He was positive. Nothing could take him to the floor. Nothing except… The breakup with his girlfriend. I walked over to the food store that night, and for the first time in my newly freed life I bought something I’d always wanted to try- Sushi. I remember feeling warm that evening despite the heat outside. The sun was just starting to head down. I opened the door to the apartment, and my roommate Kristy had this look of dread on her face. I had felt something too on my approach home, that something was amiss. Then she said the words: “Chris called, he said it was an emergency… think someone is dead.” Those words are fuzzy now. I called him up immediately. He had sounded like he had been crying.. maybe. Just some. I found out that Hal’s girlfriend had broken up with him, And that Hal had been very upset. He told Chris he was going for a drive, and never came back. Hal had driven the car into something and crashed. Hal was dead. Kristy, of all my time living with her… She offered the most unselfish thing she had ever offered. She gave me a ride over to his house, in her car. We got lost.. quite a bit. In fact it almost took two hours to get there, and it was dark by then. His house was thick with incense, some scent I wasn’t fond of, but ignored. He gave me a long hug, which I feebly returned. I began to feel the strangest vibes. I knew what I was doing was good, But he… there was something else here. He told me everything and about all his memories of Hal. I even saw a PS2 for the first time up close. He showed me the CDs they had played so much and left in the machine so long they had warped and almost melted. He told me a lot about his life, and how shit keeps happening. He showed me the knife at the head of his bed. I was nervous. Shaking. Exhausted. Drained. My body was peeling apart. Out of kindness and worry, he made me food using one of the (at the time) new foreman grills. A well-balanced meal of chicken and green beans. It was so good, but I could hardly eat. And he refused to eat any. To give me privacy he went outside to smoke. I watched him launch himself up a good ten feet to the top of a brick wall. There he lay and all I could see were streetlights and a rising column of smoke. I ate what I felt right eating, and saved the rest for him. When he came back he sat next to me on the couch. Getting ever closer. He tried to kiss me, but I was paralyzed. At the time I was in a relationship with someone else. This behaviour was wrong. I didn’t let him. I remember the words “stone cold.” I was so scared I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want him to do anything to me while I slept. I was so paranoid. I sat at the kitchen table, on a rigid wooden chair, and only lowered my head a few times to rest a couple minutes. There were a few times where he attempted to make me sleep on the couch. But I couldn’t.. he was sleeping there. Eventually, he retired to his room. And I slept for two hours. I had to drive him to school that morning. On such little sleep. We got lost on the highway. I remember a truck almost hitting into us. But I got us there safely… And still had to run home. It was like walking in a dream. My legs kept falling from under me. Little food. Little sleep. I was dying. Walking on a cloud. My head splitting. The morning sunlight filling my eyes. It is times like these that were so powerful I don’t seem to forget them. Its people like Hal that in times of distress have no one to go to… to reveal their importance. Their own advice never reaches them. Their mind is blocked. The world is black and snaps. And life is blind. It’s the folly of the mind where the bad overcomes all rational thought and behaviour. The folly where there is nothing good to seek in yourself. This was four years ago and I still carry the weight with me today. And lately its come across my mind. Playing over and over. And I still don’t know why. |
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