Hotaru no Saiden

This is where I didn’t want to be. It was difficult to come to terms being with someone who didnt see me as completion, fulfillment.. or even a guiding source of warmth.
I didn’t want it to be so lax. How selfish and hypocritical to think I would ask or wish, that the other would think of me as an equal rather than think of themselves and me as a sideshow attraction. I just want to be as important to them as they are to themselves. All I see now is a bowl of mixed fruit. The browning rot and smooth appetizing wax. I think about marriage and how impossibly far off that would ever be. If ever it be. Lately I’ve grown so numb to the subject I have stopped caring entirely. I don’t know whether to be disappointed or relieved. I just wanted someone who would truly love me. I really am fond of children. I’d like to cling to the small ribbon of hope I would be a wonderful mother. I wanted to be wonderful. The tightening in my throat tells me, Somewhere, somehow… there are things that are truly too unrealistic. There are things unfixable, unforgivable. I’ve done the wrong things. I’ve thought the wrong things. I am the wrong person. I just wish I could start it all over but I cant. I’m stuck here. Nothing is proven. It is all true hypocrisy. When you ask her, whoever she is please… please I hope in your mind you can say to yourself: “This is it, this is her, I can do this, I want to do this… this will make me happy and beyond. I am truly happy.” Please, do not say “Yeah we have some issues, but we’re so comfortable with each other she would hate me for making her wait for all these years and never ask me to marry her. I can deal with this and be sort of happy. At least it makes her happy.” Its no fairy tale. Though from a young age we’re drugged to have visions of love of warmth of heart and hope. This does not exist. Do we settle, or do we search endlessly? Will we die never knowing?

- Posted by Kitsu, 3:58 AM

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archives	Tuesday, October 18, 2005 `This is where I didn’t want to be. It was difficult to come to terms being with someone who didnt see me as completion, fulfillment.. or even a guiding source of warmth.` I didn’t want it to be so lax. How selfish and hypocritical to think I would ask or wish, that the other would think of me as an equal rather than think of themselves and me as a sideshow attraction. I just want to be as important to them as they are to themselves. All I see now is a bowl of mixed fruit. The browning rot and smooth appetizing wax. I think about marriage and how impossibly far off that would ever be. If ever it be. Lately I’ve grown so numb to the subject I have stopped caring entirely. I don’t know whether to be disappointed or relieved. I just wanted someone who would truly love me. I really am fond of children. I’d like to cling to the small ribbon of hope I would be a wonderful mother. I wanted to be wonderful. The tightening in my throat tells me, Somewhere, somehow… there are things that are truly too unrealistic. There are things unfixable, unforgivable. I’ve done the wrong things. I’ve thought the wrong things. I am the wrong person. I just wish I could start it all over but I cant. I’m stuck here. Nothing is proven. It is all true hypocrisy. When you ask her, whoever she is please… please I hope in your mind you can say to yourself: “This is it, this is her, I can do this, I want to do this… this will make me happy and beyond. I am truly happy.” Please, do not say “Yeah we have some issues, but we’re so comfortable with each other she would hate me for making her wait for all these years and never ask me to marry her. I can deal with this and be sort of happy. At least it makes her happy.” Its no fairy tale. Though from a young age we’re drugged to have visions of love of warmth of heart and hope. This does not exist. Do we settle, or do we search endlessly? Will we die never knowing? - Posted by Kitsu, 3:58 AM	ColonPipe Hyper Buddha Gorgissum Haiku Knock on the >>Sky Ebbles Miniatures