Hotaru no Saiden

When it rained it poured Back so long ago, There came a sweltering 4th of July The clouds trapping in the dying heat. I couldn’t explain my mood then. I had begun to feel confused and disengaged about any of my feelings even at that moment. Sitting by the warm pool. The water tepid and therapeutic, like bathwater. My feet dipped in and just waiting to leave. We were were visiting strangers, friends of friends in this cramped and disheveled apartment complex. Quaintly ghetto. After much complaint from myself, people begrudgingly left to see the fireworks that no one really cared about. The aura of the followers definitely damped the mood as much as the sudden rain did. Regardless, in the air bloomed the fiery flowers symbolizing a nation’s once great accomplishment. And then the argument came. The heat, the stress. The confusion. The fact we stood not a few feet from a place that a once beautiful memory- now gone, that happened so long ago… A garden once lush with roses and past love. All of them now nearly burnt away by the daylight sun. But the scent and sight was still familiar in my mind, almost made my soul ache. The rain did not let up. It had progressed from fat, warm drops of things to come to a full force of typhoon downpours. We found shelter in a place with air conditioning so cold it near froze me to the bone from being so soaked. The shelter itself finally became a realization to me. An epiphany. I was becoming ready. I knew this night would provide for me the answers that were so needed. How did it come to this as we left, and I had tears as hot and heavy as the rain. My feet thundering through pools of water until we reached the truck Crammed tight into the back knee to knee. Hot and tense and bitter. I cried with no sound, and he looked away. And he never looked back. Not a hand or look of comfort. He was in denial and rage. He was in the bliss of ignorance. In that moment I had become nothing. When we arrived, I would lie on the couch in the sweltering home, with everything going numb and dark. I wished then that the heat would fry my brain and take me away. I longed to fly off cool and floating into a light that would encompass me with everything I was missing. Everything he could never offer. And it was over. The next morning the dawn had not yet broken in a grey and cloudy sky. Bleak and sorrowful, as though the sun itself did not wish to arrive. Dark, early and cool. The wind gave me the air I needed and I knew then this was the beginning. Now, so many years later I look at his face and see how his skin is finally gaining the creases from his smile. Even when he talks I can see the wrinkles slowly becoming apparent even in our young age. So much has happened since this time and the man who I had felt hated me, has now become my husband in some odd twist of fate. I have suffered much and many losses to come to this point. He himself succumbed to great suffering and the loss of me for so long. I remember the late night by the pond with the yellow and orange lights of the park casting a sickly halo all around us. I remember the tears and his trembling hand. His whole body trembling in fear and sorrow and regret. I remember the promises he made then. And later the guilt he felt for all the things he had ever done when we had argued. I remember them so clearly and knew even if I gave in then, he would eventually stop being this man who cared so much for me. I was no fool, and not naïve enough to believe that any of this would change forever. I believed it all to be a lie, not a purposeful one, but I knew that given time… This act of care and intense feeling would fade. He would become himself again, and I would be left wondering why I had been so foolish to believe this feeling would last. Naïve enough to believe he would be changed like this for a long time to come. I am angry now because I was foolish and naïve, even if just for a moment. We are here now, and the world has settled into its comfortable and routine nest of life. I am still scarred from that torrid night in July. I am ashamed and afraid to cry in his presence still. Afraid he would just look away and pretend I do not exist. Terrified he might become embittered or indifferent and leave me to myself. After all I should have learned to self soothe myself. Reliance on others is foolish. Seeking solace in others is wrong. As someone once told to me. I need something I cannot name or grasp. I am disappointed, perhaps, For no reason.

- Posted by Kitsu, 3:46 AM

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archives	Tuesday, March 24, 2009 When it rained it poured Back so long ago, There came a sweltering 4th of July The clouds trapping in the dying heat. I couldn’t explain my mood then. I had begun to feel confused and disengaged about any of my feelings even at that moment. Sitting by the warm pool. The water tepid and therapeutic, like bathwater. My feet dipped in and just waiting to leave. We were were visiting strangers, friends of friends in this cramped and disheveled apartment complex. Quaintly ghetto. After much complaint from myself, people begrudgingly left to see the fireworks that no one really cared about. The aura of the followers definitely damped the mood as much as the sudden rain did. Regardless, in the air bloomed the fiery flowers symbolizing a nation’s once great accomplishment. And then the argument came. The heat, the stress. The confusion. The fact we stood not a few feet from a place that a once beautiful memory- now gone, that happened so long ago… A garden once lush with roses and past love. All of them now nearly burnt away by the daylight sun. But the scent and sight was still familiar in my mind, almost made my soul ache. The rain did not let up. It had progressed from fat, warm drops of things to come to a full force of typhoon downpours. We found shelter in a place with air conditioning so cold it near froze me to the bone from being so soaked. The shelter itself finally became a realization to me. An epiphany. I was becoming ready. I knew this night would provide for me the answers that were so needed. How did it come to this as we left, and I had tears as hot and heavy as the rain. My feet thundering through pools of water until we reached the truck Crammed tight into the back knee to knee. Hot and tense and bitter. I cried with no sound, and he looked away. And he never looked back. Not a hand or look of comfort. He was in denial and rage. He was in the bliss of ignorance. In that moment I had become nothing. When we arrived, I would lie on the couch in the sweltering home, with everything going numb and dark. I wished then that the heat would fry my brain and take me away. I longed to fly off cool and floating into a light that would encompass me with everything I was missing. Everything he could never offer. And it was over. The next morning the dawn had not yet broken in a grey and cloudy sky. Bleak and sorrowful, as though the sun itself did not wish to arrive. Dark, early and cool. The wind gave me the air I needed and I knew then this was the beginning. Now, so many years later I look at his face and see how his skin is finally gaining the creases from his smile. Even when he talks I can see the wrinkles slowly becoming apparent even in our young age. So much has happened since this time and the man who I had felt hated me, has now become my husband in some odd twist of fate. I have suffered much and many losses to come to this point. He himself succumbed to great suffering and the loss of me for so long. I remember the late night by the pond with the yellow and orange lights of the park casting a sickly halo all around us. I remember the tears and his trembling hand. His whole body trembling in fear and sorrow and regret. I remember the promises he made then. And later the guilt he felt for all the things he had ever done when we had argued. I remember them so clearly and knew even if I gave in then, he would eventually stop being this man who cared so much for me. I was no fool, and not naïve enough to believe that any of this would change forever. I believed it all to be a lie, not a purposeful one, but I knew that given time… This act of care and intense feeling would fade. He would become himself again, and I would be left wondering why I had been so foolish to believe this feeling would last. Naïve enough to believe he would be changed like this for a long time to come. I am angry now because I was foolish and naïve, even if just for a moment. We are here now, and the world has settled into its comfortable and routine nest of life. I am still scarred from that torrid night in July. I am ashamed and afraid to cry in his presence still. Afraid he would just look away and pretend I do not exist. Terrified he might become embittered or indifferent and leave me to myself. After all I should have learned to self soothe myself. Reliance on others is foolish. Seeking solace in others is wrong. As someone once told to me. I need something I cannot name or grasp. I am disappointed, perhaps, For no reason. - Posted by Kitsu, 3:46 AM	ColonPipe Hyper Buddha Gorgissum Haiku Knock on the >>Sky Ebbles Miniatures